A decade of sides: Meet some of the gay and bi men doing just fine without anal sex

Anal just isn’t an option for some gay and bisexual men. But that doesn’t mean they are missing out on an incredible sex life.

Grindr made a huge leap last year, adding a ‘side ‘ category to the list of its sexual positions available for users to choose from. A side, as described commercially first in an article posted by Huffington Post in 2013, is someone who might dabble in things like foreplay but is not into anal penetration and even anal foreplay.  

Historically in sex, gay men have been given limited options based all around anal. If you’re the top, you give it. If you’re the bottom, you take it. And in the case of being a verse - you enjoy both aspects. But there is a minority that beg to differ. According to research conducted in 2011 involving 25,000 gay and bisexual men, three in four men said they preferred kissing, oral, masturbating together and hand jobs.

Now more than a decade later, the term side has caught the hearts of thousands of gay and bi men around the world as it has given them a sense of identity - particularly around expectations and roles in the bedroom.

Dr Joe Kort, a psychotherapist with a doctorate in clinical sexology is the inventor of the term side. Based out of Detroit, Kort has written 6 books on LGBTQ+ and male sexuality and uses apps like TikTok to educate the masses about how iconic sides are.

“I have always been aware that I am not interested in anal sex. It never caught my attention or aroused me,” Kort tells MaterialQueer.

“One day I was sitting with friends who were trying to shame me for not having ‘sex’ which they felt was only topping and/or bottoming. I said that everything I do is sex to me, and if people can be a top or a bottom, why can’t I be a side? Everyone laughed, including me.”

Kort’s invention has helped thousands of gay and bisexual men feel seen. With a Facebook community group with over 7,500 members and growing, queer men everywhere are beginning to feel confident and celebrate the fact they are a side. 

“I never tire of hearing men say how normal they now feel and having a word to describe enjoying outercourse over intercourse makes them feel less stigma and relief that nothing is wrong with them,” Kort adds.

“Every guy that comes into [the Facebook group] starts with emotional relief and expression about finding a place they belong. It makes me very emotional and proud and I never take for granted that I contributed something so positive to our community.”

Photo credit: Sushil Nash via Unsplash

Every day gay and bisexual men all over the world have had similar situations to what Dr Kort has described. 33-year-old tarot reader, Leigh Edwards from Wales, thought there was something wrong with him because the thought of anal sex didn’t appeal to him at all. After talking to friends and dealing with some questionable experiences with unwilling guys, Leigh has become unashamed of being a side and is flourishing.

“I had one experience before where I was ghosted because I said I was a side. ‘I don’t deal with sides’ they said - what a charmer,” Leigh explains. 

“I’m not a side of onion rings you can leave on the side of your plate, but at least they were honest. Generally, people have been understanding when I’ve told them and responses have been favorable and they’ve been curious to find out more.

“People in the LGBTQIA+ community really should be more mindful that there’s more to sex than anal sex. Talking about it would make it more approachable and less intimidating for people, I feel.”

A great thing about being a side, according to Leigh, is some of the questions it has opened up between friends.

“Generally, I feel I have been well received as a side. I love that friends and total strangers have messaged me asking [what is a side]. It’s opened up a whole conversation,” Leigh adds.

“I love the element of foreplay involved. Kissing, body contact. All the stuff pre-anal can be really tender and sensual with the right person and really enjoyable. Exploring each other and each other’s bodies can be fun too. As a side, it’s like you’re in control in that role.”

“Being a side has helped me realise there are ways I can enjoy sex. I can step into my own power and control. I’ve learnt that I can be happy, confident and sexy without anal. It is a path of acceptance and discovery that I like what I like and there’s no shame in that.”

Leigh and Dr Kort are just two queer men out of millions of other sides around the world. With more and more people deciding to speak out about their experiences, side acceptance is sure to become more of a normal thing. Whilst the pairs’ experiences are far from perfect, their input just proves that sides are real people. Real people who deserve just as much respect in the bedroom as the tops and bottoms of the world.

 Social media can be a toxic place - especially when concerning anything to do with the LGBTQ+ community but side communities are growing, particularly on apps such as TikTok. In fact, if you simply search the term ‘gay side’ on the social platform you’ll be met with a plethora of videos explaining what a side is and people’s experience navigating a scary sexy world as one.

Ultimately more conversations about the topic of being a side is one sure way to ensure people become educated and in the know about how pleasurable and fun life as a side can be. Whilst sides continue to struggle with acceptance from around the world and are met with some questionable comments, the fact remains very plain and simple; There is more to life than anal sex. And people are thriving in the bedroom without it - and that’s the T!